Gift Shop Of Horrors
Editors Note: Some people have taken gift giving to a new low so we bring you TLL.net's top ten horror gifts for 2003....
No. 10: Any one of those pom-pomed, yarned, braided, embroidered, embellished
and otherwise horridly tacky themed holiday sweaters that have fat Santas,
snowmen, reindeer or Xmas trees dancing across your already expanding
middrift. Numerous readers told us they received one of these knitted
nightmares, usually from a jealous sibling or angry parent.
No. 9: Giant bottles of hard liquor; a number of recovering alcoholics and addicts told us embittered ex-lovers sent them alcohol.
No. 8: A year's membership to Jenny Craig or Weight Watchers. A number of women who were not, repeat, not struggling with their weight told us that their soon-to-be insignificant others gave them this 'thoughtful' gift.
No. 7: A gift certificate to a local plastic surgeon. Thanks to many enterprising doctors who actually do offer this, the number of single women in America will be sure to increase in 2004. A remarkable number of females who had already had undergone breast enlargement surgery received this present from 'well-meaning' spouses who must have figured they needed more of a good thing.
No. 6: Reptiles. Mostly we heard from people terrified of their newest 'pets' who got this one. Slimy the snake seems to be really popular this year.
No. 5: A certificate to clown school. This one was strange. A number of people who expressed ZERO desire to go to clown school received this one. And it was always for school in another state. Take the hint people.
No. 4: Any undeserved "For Dummies" book. This was so popular we had to list it as number four. People with either zero interest or, conversely, an advanced working knowledge on any given subject seemed to all be recipients of this one. Our fav pick: The award-winning wine taster, earning top dollar working for a top notch winery in Northern California, received 'Wine For Dummies" from a seemingly well-meaning family member.
No. 3: Any piece of clothing that is outrageously, insulting or deliberately outsized. We listed this one because a certain member of The Scottish Geisha's family continues to send her, year after year, hugely oversized size 16 and bigger sized items of clothing. The Scottish Geisha has consistently worn a tiny size four since she was a teen.
No. 2: A chain saw. For women. Any other largish tool can be swapped out in this category as many women, with no handy skills, said they received this sort of gift. Seems to have replaced the old mop and bucket as the number two gift of horror.
And the Number One Horror Gift for 2003 was?
No. 1: Hands down, Miss Nancie
Barnweather, of Rapid Falls, MA, told us that her horror holiday gift
came precisely at the stroke of midnight on Xmas when, during her long
awaited nuptials to Ronny Joe James, also of Rapid Falls, MA, the ceremony
was interrupted by the heretofore unknown current Mrs. James who choose
that precise moment to serve her bigamist-wannabe spouse with divorce
papers. All wrapped up in festive holiday ribbon no less. The first and
still Mrs. James then chose to sing a resounding rendition of 'Deck The
Halls" to all 500 wedding attendees in the church before wishing
the stunned Ms. Barnweather best of luck. Hint: the couple never made
it to Jamaica. Or to the reception for that matter.
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